Punch in the Gut

 

Holding Compassion Without Excusing Harm
How do I hold compassion for men harmed by the system without excusing their harmful behavior? Very simply: by avoiding them at all costs. I want to save them. I want to be the girl who understands him—the light at the end of his tunnel. The best I can do is ask another man for help or let the right person support him. Simply listening to someone’s story is more than enough—without taking offense.

 

Men Need Space and Male Support
Men need space.

Men need male support. They need to process their emotions. They need to share struggles with other men, through their peers, just like other communities—maybe not all, but surely a handful—with people they don’t have to translate themselves for. This is how men learn intimacy in a healthy way.

 

Overly Kind Behavior Enables Patterns
Overly kind or overly nice behavior enables their patterns. Punishing myself for what other women have done doesn’t fix them. It signals that I want to be treated badly because of what other women have done to them. I, like other women, like minorities, don’t need to be their saviors—and the same goes for men. Everyone is responsible for their own mental health. Everyone is responsible for their own sense of self. I am not an ally. I am not here to save anyone. I make people uncomfortable. I tell the truth. Maybe it pushes growth. Maybe it doesn’t. But a girl can always dream.

 

Truth and Awareness
I need to be honest: I don’t know what it’s like being a man. Believing my minority status—preaching about the struggles minorities face without listening to men—automatically makes them understand. Then you live in lalala land because you are just conforming to men’s crude image of women. Trauma bonding with a story that has been told to you doesn’t help anyone.

 

Tough Love vs Coddling
I learned this from a friend who saved me with hundreds of emails, warning me about a person I was seeing. She acted out of obedience to God. Extreme as it was. And it saved me from devastation. That was tough love, not coddling. Coddling people into their biases may feel like compassion, but it harms self-esteem long term.

 

Empathy Without Self-Destruction
I will not sacrifice myself for men’s awareness. Trying to “do” their pain to the point of self-harm is not empathy—it’s self-destruction. In the letter I wrote to my sister, I saw empathy in action. Being put on a pedestal and hearing only about others’ struggles while mine were dismissed—it was exhausting. Imagine confiding in a friend with fewer opportunities, only to be made to feel ungrateful because you have more privilege or are slightly more favored by the system. That’s a lesson in standing still. Observing. Recognizing the weight of others’ struggles without taking responsibility for them.

 

Human Connection Over the System
If I wouldn’t like a friend doing that to me, why unconsciously do it toward men? Serving the system instead of serving beyond it? Spiritual discernment and serving God free me from struggles. It gave me clarity. And it gave me the quality of life. Real empathy is also in my relationship with my sister. Despite visible differences and challenges, I wrote her a letter acknowledging her struggles and the unfairness of the system. Being favored by the system is not the same as having privileges. But writing that in a letter for her to read made her cry. She even sent me a picture of the letter through WhatsApp, showing her gratitude. That letter was human connection over the system—not pity, not victimhood. Compassion is not allyship. It is human connection without self-sacrifice or enabling harm.

 

Men Deserve to Be Human
In Western society, men are taught they are oppressors. That their feelings don’t matter. Being told this while facing hardships suppresses their humanity. It’s like telling someone with an invisible disability—or someone considered “pretty”—that they’re not allowed to struggle. Men, like all humans, deserve the permission to be human—to feel, to process, to heal—without me taking responsibility for their pain.

 

Freedom Through Ego Release
If I want equality, I confront my own bullshit instead of complaining about what I don’t have. Women already have it easier in many ways. Men’s lives are a golden cage. They only get favored by the system if they comply with its standards of what makes a man. To me, that sounds horrible. I let go of the ego that tells me men are obligated to express themselves to me or meet my unrealistic expectations. Men are not here to serve my needs. They are not here to please me. Men are here to live their lives and be human, just like me. Releasing that ego—releasing the belief that I am entitled to their inner world—frees me. It allows connection on deeper, spiritual levels. I will not sacrifice myself for men’s awareness, and I hope you do the same.

 

“Overly kind behavior enables patterns”

Overly kind or overly nice behavior enables their patterns. Punishing myself for what other women have done doesn’t fix them. It signals that I want to be treated badly because of what other women have done to them. I, like other women, like minorities, don’t need to be their savior—and the same goes for men. Everyone is responsible for their own mental health. Everyone is responsible for their own sense of self. I am not an ally. I am not here to save anyone. I make people uncomfortable. I tell the truth. Maybe it pushes growth. Maybe it doesn’t. But a girl can always dream.