Was This Blog for Nothing?

No—because my mindset is my reality. What I manifest shapes how I see the world, and how the system sees me. Kindness matters, but so do boundaries. Every thought, every choice, creates the life I live.

 

I’ve escaped discrimination not once, but many times—by asking questions, by seeking to understand, but also by protecting myself from arguments. Keeping things short when you set boundaries definitely helps, especially when it comes to veganism.

 

But my new rule is that I am an observer. I used to think I was weak because I’m not conventional, but I’m slowly learning that I collect too much information to have a big mouth. I realize my power is writing. Everything I encounter is material for my writing, so don’t worry if you don’t like me confronting things. What I thought was a mental block is me just collecting information while being cute and all—I just get my pen, I write about you, so you will become a character or subject of my story or poem.

 

And you know what? I’ve been reminded that choosing to make others feel special, especially those who are part of a minority group, is me doing a good thing! That was my natural state at 18. And I’m bringing her back. Why not? A friend at the Vegan Camp Out reminded me he would have been grateful for that kind of kindness.

Understanding Patterns and Energy

The only thing I have learned from all my experiences is that my patterns are signals and demands for people to follow, and this applies especially in romantic encounters. Even if it stings, it’s not what it seemed, and I certainly need to learn how to work through the pain—the sting of it all. What if I told you that every encounter is merely a pattern taking the form of a person? Your patterns are energy—and energy can translate into a demand. Just as you follow your boss’s demands at work, knowing that disobedience may have consequences, people in your life follow the patterns you signal.

 

How can someone distinguish between a good person and a bad person? If both serve the same patterns, they’re simply following your orders—because that’s what you want, right?

If someone doesn’t follow a person’s patterns, consciously or unconsciously, there will be consequences. And that is confusing for the other person. Why would they risk being hurt by you? I am not excusing bad behavior—these are not instructions for self-blame. I am merely stating the obvious.

 

Chapter 4: Lessons from Romantic Encounters

 

For me, the biggest lesson was realizing that I always had a weakness for men, as opposed to my own gender or other groups. I thought I had to carry them, fix what women had done to them, and by doing so, I would absorb their pain. I used to believe that this pattern was still within me: that fear kept me loyal—not to the man, but to the pattern. I thought I had to be a listener, a healer, someone who must endure because my worth depended on it. Patterns, no matter how strong, can be met, understood, and released.

 

I remember an old friend who sent me endless emails warning me about someone in my life who was a repetition of my past, and I barely listened—until I slowly felt a paralyzing fear about meeting him in England, and God led me to her. We were praying to understand whether he was my future husband, and thank God I had that tiny bit of spiritual discernment and listened to her for once. Because those who irritate your mind or give you the “ick”—listen to them! It will save you so much from bad situations. I was angry, dismissive, even disrespectful—thinking she was crazy—but she kept going. And eventually, through prayer and awareness, I saw the situation for what it was. God intervened, and I could step away from a path where my pattern had trapped me.

 

Patterns are signals—but not prisons unless you let them be. They are mirrors. My encounters with men revealed my pattern: that I thought I had to carry them or risk becoming “like the women who had destroyed them.” Seeing someone like Charlotte in Bridgerton shifted my perspective. Charlotte was a strong, assertive woman who empowered her sensitive, struggling husband by honoring him as a leader. She did not diminish him; she reflected his best self. She led from the background while giving him a sense of power and control. That image shattered my old beliefs: strength does not mean dominance. Submission does not mean silence. Leadership can exist alongside support, and empowerment can coexist with humility.

 

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Chapter 5: Masturbation, Lust, and Trust

 

I was irritated by an Instagram video in which a girl called masturbation sinful, simply because “it’s desiring someone.” Not everyone is fantasizing about random people. Some of us are just trying to understand our own bodies, so that we don’t seek validation in the wrong places.

 

Why is it more acceptable to be hurt by another person than to be honest with yourself alone?

 

Okay, let’s talk about this. I had a conversation with an old friend about masturbation. She told me outright: if you masturbate, you open a spiritual door. She said it will keep you sexually bound, it will attract lust into your life, and it shows that you trust a toy more than your future partner—the one with whom you have a covenant.

 

And this is what I said: translated, what she was saying is that you’re training your brain to want only dopamine, instead of trusting the love that your partner can give you.